Behind Closed Doors – Depression in Lockdown

Depression in Lockdown

Self Harm

Nate glanced over at the suitcase stood by the front door. He was all ready for his trip home for the holidays. Christmas was merely a week away, and he was more than ready to see his family. After almost ten months alone in lockdown, he was craving some company. His father’s chuckle, his mother’s hug, and his older brother’s teasing. It was the only thing that had kept him going over the last month. He had two more days, and then he would hop on the train to enjoy a somewhat normal Christmas. Nate was craving normality after having spent so long at home on his own. He was working from home, but the brief interaction with colleagues didn’t fill the chasm. There had been some dark days. The razor on the edge of the bath, and the scars up his forearm, were testimony to those days. 

It’s okay, Nate thought to himself. Those days were over. Now he only had to wait two more days and he would be in the company of his family. He could do this. Forty-eight hours and he would close the door behind him as he headed to the station to catch his 9am train. He could leave behind all those sleepless nights and suicidal thoughts. Nate sat down at his desk with a cup of coffee in his hand and switched his laptop on to start the day’s work. He drummed his fingers on the desk, feeling happy for the first time in what felt like forever. It was amazing what having something to look forward to could do for your mental health. As soon as he logged on, his machine started pinging with messages. 

From Sarah: Have you heard about Christmas?

From Nigel: OMG can’t believe the government is doing this! 

Nate was confused. What were they talking about? Ignoring the messages, he opened up the web browsers and searched for the news. His heart sank as he read the headline. The government was making an announcement tonight, but it looked as though Christmas travelling would be cancelled for those living in London. Nate felt the dread build in the pit of his stomach. Christmas with his family had been the only thing that had pushed him to keep going. Now his last hope had been so cruelly torn away from him. Feeling hopeless, he closed his laptop and stumbled over to his bed, where he pulled the duvet around him. Nate felt the overwhelming emotions crash over him as tears sprung from his eyes. All hope had left him. If he didn’t have Christmas to look forward to, what did he have? He had nothing. These four walls and just his own head for company. Nate couldn’t face the idea of being stuck in his head any longer. His insides were screaming at him. He knew what he had to do to silence them. 

With tears blinding his vision, Nate stumbled to the bathroom and swiped the razor blade from the edge of the bath. The same blade he had promised himself he wouldn’t use again. Despite the promise, he hadn’t been able to bring himself to dispose of it. It was his last blade; his lifeline. Nate pressed his back against the shower and slid down the door, the blade grasped firmly in his hand. He didn’t want to do it, but he knew it was the only way to quieten the pain in his head. Slowly, he rolled up his sleeves, exposing the almost healed scars. He took a breath in as he sliced the blade along an old scar, opening the wound. Blood trickled down Nate’s forearm and dripped onto the floor. Once, twice, three times Nate cut into his arms. The pain was a relief from the chaos inside his head. It quietened it all as he focused on the searing pain in his arm. Nate didn’t cut for attention, or to kill himself, he cut to quieten the pain inside of his head. Those dark thoughts and emotions were briefly silenced as his body focused on the physical pain. For those few brief moments, he was free from his depression. 

Nate rinsed off the blade and wrapped a bandage around his arm. He then made his way back to his laptop, where his coffee sat. It was cold by now with a strange layer coating the top. The blade would still be there this evening when the feelings came back, but for now he had some work to get on with. Nate wasn’t living, he was just coping. Hoping that one day things would be different. If only someone would notice that he needed help, but he was all alone. 

You can purchase your own copy of Behind Closed Doors here (also available as an audiobook)